Him

I’ve known him for four years. We have played tennis for four years. It just makes me feel sorry for myself thinking I could actually be the girl to turn him into a gentleman. He is a dick, an asshole, a complete piece of shit, and I knew this. I let myself like him way too much and what has that done for me? Sleepless nights crying on my pillow. Long car rides staring out the windows. Picking up my cell every time a minute goes by. Relapses into bulimia. A whole bunch of things that have ruined my self esteem that was so shallow to begin with.

I have been crying for the past two days because not only did he ignore me, but he took something away. He took what little confidence I had left for myself and burned it with a lonely match yearning to be lit. And as I keep continuing to cry the more I realize that when I like a guy, my Eating Disorder follows suit.

And the more I realize that, the more I cry because this will be my life forever. But there is one thing that no one on Earth can dare take away and that is my happiness. I own happy, and no guy can say otherwise.

I don’t hate him… Im just disappointed in him and myself for thinking that he could be the one to hold my hand and lean a shoulder for me to cry on. Never have I felt so alone.

I like you still. But only because one thing you learn when going through recovery is hope. I hope one day you change for the better and know that the girl you once looked down upon never once succumbed to that.

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Why I am mad at my parents

They cause drama like no other. They are always yelling at my sister and the noise pollution bothers me. Then they have the audacity to ask me millions of questions and make remarks that really push my buttons. Can they stop looking at me when they hear my typing or cleaning out my blender bottle. NO I AM NOT MAKING A PROTEIN SHAKE FOR MY DINNER! Then the days where I want to talk about my day, they never care to listen. And they days they want to know, they piss me off with all the stupid questions. They make me mad all the time because I don’t understand them. I can’t wait till I am gone. 

I know my reasons seem stupid, but I just need space. PLEASE ACCEPT THAT I AM BULIMIC AND GET ME DIAGNOSED! 

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Appearances

For the past two days, I haven’t felt pretty at all. I have the pimple I can see from the corner of my eye, my hair just doesn’t lay right, and even though I have a truck load of clothes, the right ones seem very distant in my wardrobe. I just don’t feel myself at all. And it’s like I am going back in time to eight grade where I looked even worse.

I am so fed up with the way I look, because I can’t even describe how paranoid I get when I know people are looking at me.

I hate myself, more than I have all summer. And it doesn’t help that the scale isn’t in my favor today. I have kept myself prisoner in my room because I feel a binging frenzy need approaching, and lord knows I don’t want to spend another minute in the bathroom.

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The kitchen

With my Eating Disorder, the kitchen is a place I like to keep sacred. I try to keep it clean and well organized to deter me from b/p. So when my mom gets home from work and makes a big mess cooking dinner and doesn’t even care to thank me for cleaning up after her, I get CRAZY.

I also was feeling great the other day after getting home from school, and I for once in my life wanted to talk about it.. My mom didn’t even pay attention to me. And she wonders why I keep things private. Today I feel like no one cares, not even my family.

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