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Appearances

For the past two days, I haven’t felt pretty at all. I have the pimple I can see from the corner of my eye, my hair just doesn’t lay right, and even though I have a truck load of clothes, the right ones seem very distant in my wardrobe. I just don’t feel myself at all. And it’s like I am going back in time to eight grade where I looked even worse.

I am so fed up with the way I look, because I can’t even describe how paranoid I get when I know people are looking at me.

I hate myself, more than I have all summer. And it doesn’t help that the scale isn’t in my favor today. I have kept myself prisoner in my room because I feel a binging frenzy need approaching, and lord knows I don’t want to spend another minute in the bathroom.

The kitchen

With my Eating Disorder, the kitchen is a place I like to keep sacred. I try to keep it clean and well organized to deter me from b/p. So when my mom gets home from work and makes a big mess cooking dinner and doesn’t even care to thank me for cleaning up after her, I get CRAZY.

I also was feeling great the other day after getting home from school, and I for once in my life wanted to talk about it.. My mom didn’t even pay attention to me. And she wonders why I keep things private. Today I feel like no one cares, not even my family.

Again

I almost set myself up to fail. When I am home alone at my house, nine times out of ten, I will b/p. The really frustrating part is realizing that I do it on purpose without even realizing it.. It makes me so mad and disgusted at the same time. What will it take to stop binging? Maybe Becca, it’s time to start being truthful. Are you really happy? Not at all. I just wish this would go away for forever! But it’s stuck with me, and it’s my choice wether I want it to interfere with my life and my family, or wether it takes dormancy inside the depths of my brain. I hate myself for hating my body so much..

The only thing I can do now is to go through tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. I am hiding my scale so I am not tempted to use it. Because it really is: before things can become better, they have to get worse for a day.

I know my senior year will be amazing. I will be amazing. I just have to keep pushing myself through quick sand.

Scared

Going back to school is one of the biggest triggers in my life, I want people to be accepting of me and I always think of my appearance as one of the major things people will like about me. Being in a building full of teens just complicates everything for me. It’s so easy to slip back into the starving and purging. Why? Because I believe losing weight makes me more appealing and losing it fast enough has never been good enough for me.

Non the less, I create my own happiness and I would be a fool to give up on myself. This year I am going to enjoy every last bit of it!

.. Someday

A few months ago I could never fathom myself eating pizza and ice cream. My eating disorder caused me to be genuinely afraid of food, especially food that I thought contributed to my self worth. And today, even though it ended on a bad note after dinner, I don’t feel as guilty and I’m still pretty happy about my day. I got to hang out with my best friend. She makes me sane and I don’t know what I would do without her. Maybe one day I’ll be able to not feel the guilt and the shame after eating my fear foods, and that one day will be pretty amazing.

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